Editor: Sonya Marvel
Contributors: All Members of My Mom Is A Survivor
At first, when you lose your child, there are more people there for you than we ever thought. It was somewhat a comfort yet, there were times when we really needed to be alone without thoughts and tears. Our friends and family want to be there for us through the worst ordeal we can ever go through. Then when the funeral is over and our friends and family and gone, we welcome the quiet and sedate time we can have to grieve our child. After a while, we begin to feel the loneliness. Then our thoughts turn to being lonely and needing our friends and family. We need to talk to them! We need their support. We need to talk about our child. Then most of our friends and family begin to avoid us because they just do not know what to say anymore. They do not realize that we need to talk about this repeatedly; we need to at times repeat what we have previously said to them. We need them!
I felt the loneliness the minute I heard John had died. He was my only child. How many times would I automatically turn around when I heard a child say, "Mom"? After ten years, I still do!
I had from 50 to 100 people in my house at once when John died. Even though there were so many people there, I still felt lonely. Lonely for my son. Lonely for the times that he needed to talk. Lonely even when he got sick and I was needed by him to take care of him. Lonely and needing could almost walk hand in hand. I have my wonderful husband, but I have been lonely for my son constantly since he was taken from me so suddenly. Thank God, my husband sees this now. He has a respect for my feelings and is just there when I need to cry on his shoulder, when I need to talk or when I just need a hug.
Mom to John
9/8/69 - 1/20/89
"I Never Knew Lonely" sung by Vince Gill and "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry", sung by Hank Williams were merely words in a couple of song titles till I began living them in real life. I didn't realize it at first, too many other emotions churning around. One day, I woke up and life as I knew it before didn't exist. As I reached for the phone I realized I had no one to call and nothing to say. Places I went, appointments I kept, were no longer on my schedule. Daily routines were changed. No more medication schedule, no more favorite meals to cook, no more movies to schedule and record for his quiet times. No more school busses stop here, no more trips to the arcade, no more check-ups at the doctor's office, no more therapy sessions to attend, no more school conferences, no more middle of the night dashes to the emergency room. No need for the voice pager clipped constantly to my belt. No more kids at the door wanting Jason to play. No dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, no muddy shoes sit at the back door, no bike laying in the driveway. No more snuggles with Mom on cold winter nights, no more kisses, no more hugs, no more shrugs and no more smiles. No more handmade Mother's Day cards, no more ceramics for mom signed I Love You Mom, your son, Jason. I skip the toy section at the grocery store and when I reach for his favorite cereal, reality strikes, I return the box to it's place on the shelf......he's not here to eat Cheerios anymore.
It's not just the loss of my child...I lost life as I knew it. Everything changed. Everything came to an abrupt stop. Endless silence surrounds me. His laughter, his tears, his voice, even listening for the sounds of his breathing gone, emptiness, alone, and yes, lonely. I never knew I could be so lonely, that I would just sit right down and cry.........only song titles???
Mom to Jason
6/17/85 - 8/28/95
Even with people around me and even with the family and close friends that will still talk with me and listen to me say the same things over and over, I still feel loneliness. Will this always be like this. Today I start the 12th month of my son's death. The loneliness is maddening, We do need our family and friends. I feel at times some don't know what to say anymore. NOTHING I guess, at times I don't know what to say to myself anymore. So maybe the subject of the loneliness even when some will still listen, how to get through all of it is beyond me.
Mom to Ron
3/8/67 - 9/19/98
It seems to be the same for us all. The need to speak of our child, and how the room goes silent and still when we do mention his name.
I remember being, feeling hurt, especially around family, when I would say Brandon's name in causal conversation, and how the room would go quiet and I would feel the uneasiness, then instantly it seemed that the subject was changed.
I didn't not understand this reaction at first. I had never been through this before. I had never seen anyone's response like this before. And all I really knew is that it hurt. And I would wonder, did they not love you Brandon.
I could not function for the longest time. Simple task I was unable to do. I remember literally making myself go outside to tend to yard work, weeding and things. I always had lived the summer months outside, I was always out there working on something. The neighbors were always commenting on my yard, stopping and talking to me. But when I forced myself, or tried to force myself to tend to outside responsibilities, these same neighbors would drive by and stare. No smile, no wave, no hello. I cried, because I felt as they drove by they thought, there she is, there's the woman who lost her son.
I did have my mother, she would talk to me about Brandon. But I seemed to find the most comfort here on the Internet. From strangers, who would listen to me talk about my son. I will never be able to repay them for all they did for me during the most unbearable times of loneliness. They have become my friends.
I went through, I believe also times of trying to fill that place of loneliness. Doing things, strange things, like laughing at anything, just to laugh, just to make, try and make the pain stop. It did not stop. I did learn how to live with the loneliness, because frankly and simply I miss my son, I miss him, I miss seeing him, hearing him, talking to him, doing things for him and with him.
Now I can get through the days, some are fill still with tears, some days I keep myself so busy, I don't shed any, but always, always is he somewhere in my thoughts. And I know that will never change. How can any mother every stop loving, needing or thinking of her child.
Mom to Brandon Dean McManamy
9/25/80 - 6/21/98
Anytime I started to feel lonely after Eric passed on, I would look at this picture or just talk to him and I immediately felt his presence. It was during those times I would find cards he had sent me over the past years and the card always said just what I needed to hear at that moment. On Mother's Day this year I was searching through the closet for something and found a Mother's Day card Eric made me several years ago. A coincidence? I don't really think so, do you? In December when I was going to decorate his grave for Christmas, I was very sad and was missing him so much, but, as I looked up into the sky I saw a rainbow in behind the clouds - there was no rain that day - and I knew I was never alone because Eric was always with me helping me find comfort. Luckily I had my camera with me and took a picture of my special gift. I now have it in a frame with one of his cards where he had written, "Just thinking of you. Love, Eric" along with his last picture. Different poems I have read state rainbows are sent to remind us our loved ones are always thinking of us. How true that is, for me anyway! Yes there are times I feel lonely, but, not for long because my wonderful son finds a way to let Mom know he is always with her, watching over her, and bringing her comfort. He also seems to know when just spiritual presence is not always enough so he will send one of his friends by to give me a hug or we will have them call me. Unless someone has experienced this themselves, they would not understand or believe, but, I know many of you know what I am saying is the truth.
Thanks for the wonderful work you do, I know it has definitely helped me. As a matter of fact, I feel Eric is the one who guided me to your site. I sat down in front of the computer one day and looked at his picture and said, "Eric, I need your help" and the next thing I know, I am on the page, "My Mom Is A Survivor." I thank God every day for allowing me to have Eric for 21 years here on earth and I also thank Him for letting me to continue having him as my special angel.
Mom to Eric B. Hickle
8/19/76 - 12/29/97
Loneliness is after the funeral when everyone has returned to their normal routine. It is hearing your child's favorite song, seeing his possessions around the house, watching his friends grow into adulthood, seeing his favorite foods in the supermarket, not feeling his hugs, smelling his scent, not hearing his voice or laughing at his silliness. Loneliness is acknowledging that each day will begin and end without your beloved child.
Mom to Glenn Lewis
10/10/81 - 8/10/96
When Jamie was killed, as soon as I called 911, I became different from the rest of the world. I became a mother whose child had died, had been murdered. An invisible wall surrounded me from that moment. A wall called isolation and loneliness. I didn't build that wall, but it's there all the same. When your child dies, you are separated from the restof the world. Even when you are with friends and family who love and support you, the wall is there. Even though they love you and loved your child, they will never feel the pain and grief that isolates you. It doesn't matter where you are, shopping, church, school, family get-togethers...you are alone in the crowd. You belong to a different reality now. Only with other moms who have lost their children, does that separation ease a little.
There is another kind of loneliness I feel also. Loneliness for Jamie. Jamie was an adult. He grew up in this town and lived only a mile from me. We shopped in the same stores, ate in the same restaurants, drove the same roads. Now, all those places are reminders of him. When I go to a store where it was likely I'd run into him, I miss him more. When I drive from one place to another, and don't pass him on the way, see him wave as he goes by, I miss him more. Everywhere I go and everything I do, every minute of everyday, I am lonely for my son. The loneliness is such a part of who I am now, that it is impossible to describe. Once again, only those who have the same experience of loss, can understand.
Mom To Jamie
2/12/73 - 5/12/98
This has been written by the members of My Parents Are Survivirs to help us to get through the worst time of our lives. Every word of this information and feelings is copy written by the writer. That means that you can NOT use this material in any way, shape or form. Please do not ask, because permission will NOT be given. This has been written from our hearts and will not be duplicated.
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