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Good Days and Bad Days

Editor: Sonya Marvel
Contributors: All Members of My Mom Is A Survivor

At first when we lose a child, it seems each day is endless and our live our lives by putting one foot in front of the other in order to make it through the day. It seems to go on day after day. We seem to have more bad days than we do good days. If we dream about our child and wake up with those thoughts on our mind, we may sit on the edge of our bed and cry. The rest of the day seems to be a bad day of thoughts of our child and wanting the child so badly to come back. Then as time progresses we begin to have a good day periodically. We live one day at a time and thank God that we made it through the day and pray that we make it through the next day. Days such as this will eventually turn around for us. Just keep living our life one day at a time.

When I first lost John, every day was a Bad Day. I lived each of those days one day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.  The first day I remember having a good day was two and a half years after John died.  I laid in bed that morning crying because I missed John so much.  All of the sudden, I told myself, I could not do this anymore.  John would not want me to be so miserable.  John would be so unhappy knowing that I was living each day as the day from hell.  He would not want me to live my life in a negative way.  From that minute forward, I decided I would try to live each day with positive thoughts and if  I had a bad day or a negative thought, I would turn it around into a positive day or thought.  I have tried to live my life like that since then.  I still have my bad days.  I try to turn them around and I'm not always so successful, but for the most part my days are more positive now.  I do not feel guilty anymore for having a good day because I know John is in heaven giving me a pep-talk. 

Sonya
Mom to John
9/8/69 - 1/20/89

What can I say, since the day of August 24 1999 our lives have been one big nightmare. I have more bad days then good, everyday it is like I am being punched in the stomach, and I don't even want to get out of bed, some days have been so bad that twice I tried to kill myself, but I know that I need to be here for my other children.

Back in November my husbands work sent us on a cruise to the Caribbean so that we could get away from it all, we did, but the reality was still there at the back of our minds, we mostly stayed in our cabin and spent time licking our wounds, we really weren't ready for such a public outing yet.

I started a web page for Theresa and that helps alot, I work on it all the time, it is very therapeutic, I bowl and that helps also.

I wouldn't say I have had any real good days, but in something like this I go under the old saying, this is something you have to take one day at a time.

I haven't had any dreams of Theresa, I wish I would, maybe if I did I would have good days.

Veronica Kerperien-Robinson
Mom to Theresa
12/20/83 - 8/24/99

I wrote this poem a couple of months ago at the 5-month anniversary of my little girl's birth/heaven date. Getting to the better days is such an up and down process. Sometimes a lot of progress is made quickly, there times it's so slow and you are barely hanging on by your fingernails. I was so afraid of losing my grip completely and falling into the void of grief, and not being able to find my way out. Now I seem to have gotten above that stage, but I know that it can happen again. And now that I am aware that its perfectly normal to be so up and down, I might be a little better prepared the next time. I'm in the bottom looking up.

Struggling

At the bottom of this pit, this grief, I stand
There is a faint light above that beckons me
I reach to scrape away dirt with my hand
Knocking more onto my self, trying to be free

With each new attempt to rise up I claw frantically
I must get out; I have to if I am to survive
Unwilling to allow this darkness to defeat my sanity
Wondering if anyone can hear my silent cries

Slow progress is made, carefully inching upward
Each step towards joy made cautiously, must be steady
Often I slide back to the beginning, to the bottom very hard
After struggling for happiness so long I am ready

It was at a moment down at the bottom again
Realizing I could not get myself through the fight
Looking up, allowing you to see into this pain
Knowing that alone I couldn't reach that light

You were suddenly there to push away the dirt,
Helpful hands reaching in to pull me through
Lifting me up, gently easing this raw hurt
Hearing me cry out, you tried to be my rescue

Waiting until my spirit was calm, to allow your aid
Now resting comfortably in this warmth and grace
The angry ache and devastating cries slowly fade
No longer alone and fearful, I feel a smile on my face

I can hardly express the thanks and love
Grateful for the chance to start my life anew
Turning back to help others come above
Your true meaning in my life can show through

Inspired by Jeremiah 33:3
"Call to Me, and I will answer by revealing what is hard and hidden, what you do not know."

Nancy
Momma to an Angel
Grace Isabella
Born Still 9/21/99 @ 37 weeks

When we lost our 13-yr old daughter the first days were all bad days. But they tapered off where you started to feel guilty about feeling like laughing or enjoying something. What will people think when they see me laughing at my surviving children or my husband or a joke someone told me. I always thought that they would see me and think that I didn't love her as much because she was my stepdaughter. Even though she lived with her dad and I for 8 years (whole life with daddy) of her life, I felt that people would think that I just never loved her enough. I know different now but I was so afraid to in public to show any happiness. We live in a very small town and everyone knows who we are and what happened to us. I have decided that whatever type of day I have, bad or good, I let it be just that. I don't question my progress and myself anymore. That in itself does more damage to my heart than that bad day. The good and bad days balance out for me. So on the days that I feel really sad and miss her a lot I go to the grave and cry and I do what my heart feels like doing and on good days I truly feel the happiness and let it all in. I let myself get right into it as I do with the bad days. Because without the really bad days the good days aren't that good.

Tessa Flannery
Mom to Michelle

My daughter Cherie died 4 years ago next month. She suicided after being in a deep depression for several years. She had been raped in high school by a young man she was dating (date rape), and then after she graduated from college she was raped by a man she didn't know - and he held a knife at her throat.

At first, every day was a bad day as I had a real hard time dealing with the suicide issue. About 4 months after her death I started reading books on suicide, the afterlife, and surviving the suicide of a loved one. After the second year I realized I was in a depression myself and got some help from my doctor. He put me on an anti-depressant, and that has helped me tremendously. Now I am able to focus more on her life than on her death. I have very few bad days now, but when they come, they are a doozie!! I am learning that I can survive this and find so much strength from those around me. I am in an on-line support group for parents of suicide, and they are all such caring and loving people that I feel so fortunate to have them in my life.

Mary Pummell
Mother of Cherie

Talk about good days and bad days--whew--I never know from one day to the next. It's like being on this awful roller coaster ride flipping, taking curves too fast, and then just dropping. It's so hard to explain to people who have never lost children. I lost my two boys on July 30, 1999, and my life has not been the same since. There was a few times I really thought I was insane.

Nothing means anything to me anymore. There are days that I just don't want to get up and face the day because I never know what type of day it will turn out to be. I often think if I could just go to where the boys were maybe my life would be back to normal again, but we all know that's the coward's way out. I face each day sometimes having good days that just out of nowhere turn into miserable days.

I go out because I have to. Sometimes, I go into stores and have to turn and go right back out because I can feel tears filling my eyes. What happened to me, I used to be a tough single parent who was raising 5 children on her own. Now I feel so weak, I just don't want to be strong any longer. I want to make people understand why I don't really want to see them very often. Why would I want them brought to my level of misery. The whole problem seems to be because I never know when it will happen. It could happen in the middle of a store, in the car, while talking to a friend. I feel panic where I feel so weak because I'm using to solving problems no matter how hard, and this problem I can't seem to solve, and I can't figure out how to avoid it. I must look it in the face every morning. I talk to my sons all the time. My Counselor says that I will begin to heal when I let some of my anger out at my two sons for taking the car without permission. Oh, Sonya, you don't know how badly I would love to yell at my two sons to get out some of this anger, but how can you yell at the two people you will never see again, and miss so terribly that you hate to get up each morning.

I feel lost and alone, and most of all cheated. My two sons were 13 and 16 years old. I still had quite a bit of mothering to do. What do you do when the rest of your children are grown up and on their own. I have three other daughters, who as I said, are on their own. I try so hard to be there for them, but nothing matches how the boys needed me. Most times, I feel in the way trying to mother children who don't need it. I've spent tremendous hours with my three grand children. Now I'm labeled a pushy grandmother because I can't seem to get enough time of them. And, boy, they do wear me out. I don't know how I ever raised five children. I just don't want to feel so empty any longer. I want to feel needed. I am healing, but like I said it's a terrible roller coaster ride. I can hardly wait till the time comes when I get off this roller coaster and go on to a milder ride such as the merry-go-round.

Well, Sonya, thanks for listening to me. I do feel much better sharing some of these feelings. I only hope this will help other parents in the same situation. It is nice to know that we aren't insane, just in so much pain it feels it.

Kathie Calkins
kad@infoblvd.net

May is a very bad month for me, as my little boy was born on May 10,1990, last year his birthday was on Mother's Day and wow what a feeling. I had to stay happy for my other kids but I was dying inside and they probably were too. It has been 2 and a 1/2 years since he left us and not a day goes by that something is brought up about him. Like today, my daughter was rear-ended by another car and wouldn't you know it the court date is Stevie's Birthday. She said she wasn't going to go and I assured her as lousy as we felt we are going!! The guy that hit her has no insurance and I intend to fight! You know, come to think of it Stevie's golden birthday would be this year he would have been 10 on the 10th. Well, yes we have good days and bad days and I thank God for the good days when I can think of him and not cry, when I can speak of him and not cry and hopefully someday dream of him. My heart goes out to all of my friends here and hope one day we will all be reunited with our children and be happy again!

Sharon
Mom to Stevie
5-10-90 to 8-20-97
Shari45100@aol.com

After my son died the pain was so much that I was convinced that I will die. The time went by and I was still alive, I learn that no matter what I did (suicidal thoughts came to my mind) life has not ended for me. I lived many bad days, it even hurt to smile. Little by little there was a moment in which I found some relief, only to follow more pain. I will wondered how I'm going to live like this the rest of my life, I'm not really living... After many years I understood that you are not asked to live like this the rest of your life (this seems so long, so overwhelming), the only thing you have to do is live one day at a time, maybe one minute at a time and be grateful for the good days you have.

Miriam

Boy, is that the truth. I am almost to a year and some days I seem almost obsessed with thinking about my son and others I am OK. Life is weird!

Since my daughter, Michelle, died 2 years ago, I can't remember having a good day. She was beautiful, full of life, very generous. Her life was cut so soon. She left two beautiful boys 9 and 4. We miss her every day, every second. I do not think I will ever have a good day without her. Memories are very painful.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning in tears, so upset I don't think I can get through the day, but I do. Holidays and family outings are the worst. My son loved his family, and enjoyed being around them, and adored the holidays. These days I feel so sad, all I want to do is to curl up in a ball and sleep till these days are over. But then there are good days. I recently spent a week at Walt Disney World, a place I had never been to before, also a place that Joey wanted very badly to visit. It was probably the first time in the year and a half since my son died that I was able to really enjoy myself. The day we were leaving to come home, I took the bus to The Magic Kingdom, there are stones engraved there with people's names, dates, etc. Well in honor of my son, I bought a stone, which will read, In Memory of Joseph Daniel Cavalari, his birth and death dates, and forever in Disney. It was kind of funny because for the first time I felt a curious sense of peace. Whether this will continue remains to be seen. But one thing is certain, I think about him the minute I wake up, and he is the last thought I have before I go to sleep, and I will miss him till the day I leave this earth, and am reunited with him again.

Pat

To add my experience in dealing with the loss of my son Joshua, who drowned, I find that I cry the most at night when I go to fall asleep. At first, I thought it was that I was afraid of the dark, but more and more I believe it is the fact that I know tomorrow will be the same. I will wake up hopeful that it was all a bad dream and then realize it was not just some terrible nightmare, and that yes, I do have to try to survive another day within my grief. I find I stay up later and later and sleep longer and longer. Every night I dread going to bed, it has become some sort of awful ritual, crying myself to sleep.

Anngie Mattox

My experience on this is that what would be Courtney's 2nd birthday seemed harder to me than her first birthday. Why that is, I have no idea but I have heard other mommies say the same thing. I usually do pretty good and have a lot of good days until recently. For some reason about a month ago I started to feel really depressed!! I even got so bad that I had to go get on an anti-depressant. Yes I will admit that I do have more good days than I use to, but boy when those bad days come they hit you like a rock! Thanks!

~Steph~ Mommy to an angel in heaven Courtney Marie Cornelius
Dec.24, 1996 and an angel here on Earth Kylee Marie
Cornelius July 2,1998(21.5mos old).

My name is Christina, Nice to be able to share some things with you. When I first moved to AZ It was so Hard I thought I had moved away from all the reminders that would keep me so far down I never wanted to get up. The loss of my 4 yr old son Garrett was the hardest thing I had to endure. This is about the Ice Cream trucks that come around. I had been here only 2 days when I was unloading our U Haul when down the street came the Ice Cream truck playing its music and the tears started rolling and I could hear and see Garrett jumping up and down yelling Ice Cream man Ice Cream man. So I just sat down and cried for a long time. The next day the same thing happened and each and every day for the next four days till I went out and met the Ice Cream man and ask him not to come down My street again for a month and then told him why, that I had just lost my 4 yr old son 3 months prior and that he loved the Ice Cream man and It was so very painful to hear him coming down the street that I would cry till I was sick and would he please give me some time and he said ok. He gave me the healing space I needed for this one memory. Now I can Hear them and I have good thoughts and a smile on my face as to the memories of Garrett and the Ice Cream man. The pain and loss does get easier with time.

Christina Sticklin
In Memory Of Garrett Stricklin

It has been a little over a year since my daughter died. I was told that the second year was worse, but was skeptical. Now I believe it. It seems like I'm back where I started. Some days I can't even get out of bed to go to work or answer the phone or anything. Why does it seem like there's more bad days than good days again? I heard that the shock is starting to wear off and I'm starting to realize that she is never coming back. It seems like some days I have to live minute by minute just to make it through the day. How do we help ourselves get up and face the day?

I lost my 6-year-old son in an automobile accident on October 8, 1999. I have lived the last 6 months having more bad days then good. I continue to keep in mind that it should not be any other way. We all have experienced a pain that no one should ever have to endure. So I believe that those around us will understand why we have bad days.

I have not gone one day in 6 months and not cry for my baby to come home. I plea with God just to give him to me one more day. I cry every day until I wonder where the tears are coming from. My body aches for his warm touch and my heartaches for the love that he would show me every day.

I will live the rest of my life with more bad days then good. I have learned to accept these days and know that I have no choice but to deal with them and learn to cherish the good days because you never know when you will get another one.

I thank God every day for my friends who have experienced the same pain and emptiness that I have and will have for the rest of my life. I know that you all will be with me on my Bad Days and Good Days.

Amy Gardner
gardner1@apex.net
In Memory of Lee Morris Gossett

May 8th 2000 will be one year since my son Jeffrey left. What a year it has been! Immediately following his death, I couldn't eat, couldn't think, and the only place I could sleep was in the living room recliner. I think that was because he was found in his apartment in a recliner. Somehow it made me feel close to him. I started spending all my free time, including nights, at Jeffrey's grave. I knew I was loosing it. The doctor I saw prescribed Celexa, which she said was like Prozac. I still to this day don't have dreams at night. I spent the first weeks crying all the time. I'd have to leave work, it got so bad. Then 2 1/2 months later, my daughter and I moved from Virginia to Nevada with the company I worked for. It got a little easier in a way. There was nothing to remind me of what happened. but I left all of my family behind. It was the only way I could keep what little sanity I had left. I kept busy with work, and seeing the new sights. Often, there would be things I knew Jeffrey would of loved. and I'd cry. I started crying every night. I was loosing the little grip I had left again. Then I started having a good day every now and again, I mean no tears. Then it would all come rushing back. I still have some nights with no tears and some with tears. I will be flying back to Virginia. on the one-year mark, and at first I was looking forward to it. Now I'm anxious. I know it will be hard. I've been having trouble with stomach sickness and irritability, I know its nerves. The only way I can handle it is to think that that for every step backwards I have, I'll have one step forward. I only can take life, one day at a time and no matter what happens when I go back for the visit, it can't be anything compared to that fateful May 8, 1999, which was the worse day of my life. So for every one who reads this, and has shared the same experience, remember, that no matter how bad life seems to be, it could be worse, because you've been there and your surviving.

Sherry Krippner

I am writing to thank you for your ability to express the words that choke up in me when I try to write about the pain and waking up in the middle of the night having dreamed of Joey or Ryan. There are times when I am driving to work or going about the cares of the day - when I am suddenly overwhelmed with pain and grief. It seems to take on a force and weight so strong that it causes me to cry out, or brings me to my knees. Our family has never, until these were lost, experienced such pain. We were so wonderfully blessed to have never lost a close family member. Our children were (and still are) so beautiful and healthy and vital. I know now this pain will never end. Our only comfort is knowing they are in the arms of angels - forever loved.

The WEB site you and Arlene and the other "mothers" helped us to create - and the sites of other grieving families has given us focus and peace.

Thank you again and again,
Jeanne, and the family of Joey and Ryan

Yes, I would like to submit something towards this topic, but you will have to forgive my typing. I have just had surgery on my shoulder and the only way I can type is to rest my elbow on the table and not move it up and down very much, hence the small letters, no caps!

Our Wes has been gone since 1991 (almost 9 years ) and yes it is definitely bearable now, but it still hurts and I still have waves that sweep over me of missing him. At first when I was in the "put one foot in front of the other one" stage ~ the Lord showed me a very valuable lesson. The enemy of our souls , Satan, is always there to kill, rob and destroy all of the things of God in our lives. And I truly believe that there is a "Godly" way to grieve and consequently Satan was always trying to steal that away from me. When I would begin to feel like I was "smothering" in memories of Wes that would be my red flag that this was not good. That the enemy was trying to get an open door into this grieving process and I would have to turn away from it and look to God and ask him how did he want me to walk this out. He ALWAYS had another route for me.

For example ~ Wes would be graduating this year. The class of 2000. We talked about it with him a thousand times, how cool that would be, etc. etc. Well, here it is and of course I have friends who have kids that are graduating this year. I know that I am going to have to walk a straight and narrow course to get thru this. I may or may not be able to go to my friend's children's ceremonies, I don't know, but I do know if I am led by the Lord, it will be sweet and not bitter. Most of our grieving as individuals and as a family really has been sweet and we give all the credit to the Lord. He has walked us through this step by step. Instructing us along the way. When we feel the enemy tugging at our sentimental strings we have to turn away and look to god to show us the way.

I am convinced that there is absolutely nothing that can fill the void of a dead child. But I do know that we have a Father in heaven who knows that void first hand and has all the desire to bring anyone who desires His help through it with a sweetness that you never knew. Satan is the one who wants us bitter , angry, hurting parents ~ God has a purpose for us and wants us to get on with that purpose. That child dying, believe it or not, was in the plan. God knew about it before it happened and He is there to get you through it. You can't do this alone.

Thank you Sonya for the outlet. Bless you and yours.

Jo Ann Franklin
Mother of Wes Franklin

Well into my fourth year after the death of my son Emmanuel, I have found that I have yet to have a whole and full day that I can categorize as "good" maybe a good day is a day that passes by without me crying. I am happy to report that I now have some of those days. I don't cry as much. So for me maybe that is a good day.

I have yet to overcome the fact that I still speak of my son in the present, I understand that he is dead but.... when I talk about him I do it with a smile on my face as a I talk and remember his life. When I am done though I notice that my conversation lacks a lot of content to further pursue it because there was no future after those 3 years. And that really breaks my heart.

I have 3 girls that have pushed me to live on. Otherwise my life would have ended the day he died. A Although I know for a fact that a LOT of me did die that day.

Hugs to all,
Barbara

I lost my son on Oct. 13, 93. The first few months were worse than "bad" as I had to go through all the holidays. I did not go through them. I just let them pass. No pumpkins, turkeys or Christmas tree. Well none for the living, but I did take a tree to the cemetery. For the first year I did not smile, do things with friends or attend any parties, weddings or funerals. All I did is attend support groups, go the cemetery (everyday for 2 years) and stay mad at the world.

One day I woke up and laughed, this time I did not feel guilty, and it really felt pretty good. I still attend support groups, more to help others now, and I do go much longer with out that pain. Now I seem to have more days of good things, and the sad times just hit. You never know what might trigger a "sad" time, but they are not as often and don't seem to last as long. Now I can talk about my son, Steve, and remember all the happy times. I am able to reach out and help others that are beginning that long journey of grief. This is something I don't think anyone should have to endure, but unfortunately we do.

I understand that someone new in their grief does not believe that they will ever get better, and they don't want to get better. But you really do. It just takes time. And I believe that you have to do what ever it takes to make this journey. We all grieve differently, but I think we all hurt deeply, and no medicine, or book, or surgery will take it away, only Time. So take it day by day, and soon the sun will shine again.

In memory of my son Steve McMahan 7/30/70 - 10/13/93

Some of my thoughts on grieving.

Healing from deep grief doesn't just happen. It's exhausting work. The truth is we work on grief issues every waking moment of every day and what is left over surfaces in our dreams and/or nightmares. Grief is a 24-hour assignment and I am not sure if it is getting any easier or if I am just becoming a better actress. I am grateful that my exterior isn't always an accurate reflection of what I am thinking or what I am feeling inside. It allows me some privacy that way. I get tired of hurting and being haunted as to why my beautiful son was taken so early. No wonder denial is so popular. You just have to get away from the pain at intervals and each bereaved parent has to decide how far apart these intervals have to be placed. It is not that we don't know how to get over this speed bump in the road. It is the fact we postpone it as long as possible. It is like trying to muster enough courage to stick your finger in a light socket and it takes more courage and discipline than I has right now. That is why I am postponing it as long as I can.

Rosemary Bassett
Mother of "Shawn Adams"

The bad days make us thankful for the good days. I guess you could call them good days. They're days. You see a beautiful spring day with all the flowers blooming the sun shining and yet I feel like I could enjoy it if things were back before my son left. I guess one of the things I dislike so is death has stolen the carefree times we had. The times just enjoying family and a beautiful day. I will never again look a beautiful day and feel its total pleasure of just being.

One of the things that makes my bad days harder. Is my best friend is also my sister-in-law. Our sons grew up together. Her oldest son is just months older than Mark (my oldest son) and her youngest son are just a year younger than my twin sons. We share everything...the best of friends.... it's like she lost a son also, but she gets to see her son and go on with life. Just recently he decided to get married. She normally wants to share this with me, but my heart breaks again and again because Mark would have been getting married had life been different. I have to handle this for her as well as with her without sharing my true feelings about it all because to do so would be to hurt her. This should be a happy time for her. She already knows that her son reminds me so of mine; the things they do; their looks; their laughter. They were the best of friends. Please remember us in your prayers.

May you find something to smile about this day
God bless
Charlene

I doubt if I can say anything helpful. But I found that after Travis' web page went up, I didn't feel as if I was "betraying?" him by not keeping him in my thoughts constantly and non-stop. This is not to say that I never think of him after all it's only been 8 weeks. Maybe it is the "sharing" of his memory and my misery that helped some. I have felt that I wanted to die so many times. I have driven to work at night, car windows up, and screamed so loud that I had a sore throat. That helped at that particular time. I have left off my seat belt on purpose. (guess I thought if I wreck I would be less likely to survive.) I have caused numerous arguments with my husband (Travis' step father who only got to meet him a few times), feeling that I didn't deserve to be happy because my sweet son was lying in a grave. I have been afraid to try to be "ok" because I didn't want that sickening sudden reality to hit me "Travis is dead." (I wanted to always be on guard.) I talked out loud to Travis on my way home from work one morning. I told him that I was afraid I was going to ruin my (recent) marriage. I told him I needed help from him or I just couldn't go on! I don't remember what else I said. Then I forgot about that, but when I started to feel halfway decent for a couple of days, I remembered. Coincidence???? I don't know. I just know that I am going to take advantage of the good days, instead of feeling "guilty" for having them. I think Travis would have wanted it that way.

Cheryl Bailey

Sonya, I typically have good days. But whenever the father and I are in deep conversation which is quite often lately, the baby's memory comes to mind and I usually start crying. He comforts me and is really supportive. I was recently baptized and realizing that I'm going to heaven and my baby will be there to greet me, makes me happy and it sends me into joyful tears. I wish the baby could be here now, but I know that I will see my angel later! For the bad days, I sit and cry and realize that it wasn't my fault and I write in a little journal to the baby and it helps me through my trying times of the memory. By the end of the journal writing, I've gotten everything out that I can take a deep breath and move on to something else knowing that my baby knows I'm thinking about him/her.

God Bless,
Sherrie Scott

I guess everyone in our condition has experienced this. The first days I was so shocked about loosing my Axel that was very difficult to understand my feelings, I was numb and terrified. Slowly I began to think about what was I going through, but was not feeling bad or sad. Suddenly I felt guilty because I had many GOOD days, but I didn't know in that moment what a BAD day was.

A month after Axel's death I felt terrible. I couldn't stop crying all day long, I was devastated. Yes, you are right: It was the worst day I have had. Anyway, I still have some bad days after a couple of good ones. When I recognize it is a bad day, I don't make decisions... I try to be home most of the time...avoid having arguments with anyone... and try to give me the chances to cry and weep all the time I need.

I guess I will be having more GOOD days and less BAD days with time... I don't expect bad days be milder as I haven't been there yet.
Ana Grinberg
Axel's mother
02/04/2000 - 02/05/2000

The good days occur when you do not wake up with a stabbing pain in your heart, being incapable of filling the bottomless void with positive thoughts. Good days allow us to look at the photo album and relive the happy days when our child was by our side. Bad days encompass the heart wrenching experience of seeing a child that closely resembles ours, it is a family get together, being in the midst of merriment, trying to camouflage our tears. What we can aspire to accomplish is the luxury of having the good days outnumber the bad, which can only be achieved thru time. When this does occur, we can make a valiant effort to focus on our child's life as opposed to his/her death, because ultimately, there is no alternative.

Sincerely, Paula Lewis
Mom to Glenn Lewis
10/10/81-8/10/96

When I lost Jessica I immediately tried to think of every possible reason that this happened to my family. I guess we as humans like a very complete picture and when there seems to be missing pieces, it's just not acceptable. Although it has only been three months since I held her in my arms, I've sure learned a lot from a little girl whose life was really over before it began.

On "my good days" I can think of Jessica Hope and know that she is in a beautiful place, and I can find peace from deep within myself knowing that when my time comes, and if I am granted eternal life, I will forever have a baby to hold, love, cherish and nurture. I picture her up in Heaven with all the other people who I've lost in my life, or people whom my friends have lost, and I know that it must just be an incredibly beautiful sight.

On those bad days when my whole body just aches for my daughter, I cry and cry and cry. The Kleenex piles up pretty high on these days. Sometimes it feels as if I will never stop crying....I will never be able to say her name again without experiencing such deep, gut-wrenching pain. In my mind I keep asking God, "Why?" "What was so wrong with wanting my fourth child?" "Why did I have to start the new millennium like this?" And just when I think that I will never truly be able to go on without breaking down and feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest, I look around and everything looks differently....my yard, my house, my furniture, my children, my husband....why there isn't anything that I can look at and don't feel differently about.

It is at this moment that I know God's plan is in motion. It is when I let my pain grip me so hard that I don't think I can go on, that I begin to start to feel peace slowly creeping back. And before you know it, one of the good days is back again.

Grieving is a journey. It is hard work. It brings forth a lot of pain and sorrow, emptiness and loneliness, anger and frustration, fear and anxiety. But you have to do the work. You have to have those days when you want the world to go away, or when you want to shout "Doesn't this world know what I'm going through?" "Isn't there anyone out there that can feel this pain?" You have to let the tears fall when they want to fall....you have to experience the hurt all over again because it is this work that makes us all have good days again. The true measure of your faith is when you can feel peace, hope and joy in the face of what you have experienced. God Bless all of you that have suffered the loss of someone so very special. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tara Mullett

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This has been written by the members of My Parents Are Survivors to help us to get through the worst time of our lives. Every word of this information and feelings is copy written by the writer. That means that you can NOT use this material in any way, shape or form. Please do not ask, because permission will NOT be given. This has been written from our hearts and will not be duplicated.

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