Grieving Within - Mom vs. Dad

Mom vs. Dad
Page One

Editor: Sonya Marvel
Contributors: All Members of My Mom Is A Survivor

It is a known fact that parents grieve deeply for their child and most days the grief is very different for each parent. For example, on one day the Mom may be grieving deeply and missing her child so much that she aches, while the Dad may be feeling angry. On another day, Mom may be in denial but Dad might have reached an acceptance. Perhaps one day Mom is feeling guilt over the death of their child, but the Dad doesn't want to discuss that because he is aching over the loss. Many times people misunderstand that the grief process is so individual, and parents can not be expected to be simultaneously going through the same stages at the same time. This can lead to one or both parents feeling as if their spouse doesn't care or is not grieving as deeply as he or she is.

Grieving differently is very common and in a lot of cases, will eventually end in separation or divorce. This is a very touchy topic in that a large percentage of parents who are grieving deeply end of hurting each other. The key to parents surviving their death of their child is respect for the others' feelings. Education of how parents grieve differently is very important if your marriage will survive.

When I lost John, my priorities changed forever. My husband was John's stepfather. He and I had been married since John was six years old. My husband never even cried at his father's funeral. He was always taught men don't cry. He chose not to see the pain and grief I was going through. My husband wanted no part of a therapist. I couldn't talk to my husband about my son. I would get very hysterical when his name would come up. We eventually divorced because I needed to grieve for my son, instead of taking on problems that I felt were not important anymore. My priorities had changed drastically. We were divorced for 2 years before he came to me sober and ready to see a therapist. It had to be someone we both trusted and could talk to. Together we decided on our pastor instead of a therapist. After hearing both of our stories and seeing lots of tears, our pastor suggested that we have lunch and dinner often. That we should talk about John at every meeting. It didn't matter how much I cried. He advised us to do this until the day that we could have a lunch or dinner and John's name not even be mentioned. This would mean that we had discussed everything that was bothering both of us.

One day after we had lunch, we were walking out of the door of the restaurant when my husband said, "Did you notice that we did not talk about John at all during lunch?" I was shocked! He was right. He then suggested that we go to John's grave together. I had not been able to go to John's grave with my husband since the day after John's funeral. I felt I could not share him even with my husband.

When we arrived, the sun was shining, but the ground was damp from a morning shower. Even though his pants would get wet, my husband got down on his knees at John's grave and talked to him. I was crying so hard by then that he rose and hugged me. I looked at him and saw a single tear roll down his cheek. This is the day we became best friends, which is something we could never say before. The next week he asked me to marry him again. I accepted and we were married in a church wedding with our pastor officiating and have been happy since. My husband knows now that I still have my down days and he has learned how to recognize them. He simply asks me if I need a hug.

Sonya
Mom to John
9/8/69 - 1/20/89

Right after Wes died and actually for the first year or so, my husband and I could absolutely NOT talk about him with each other. I HAD to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk!, where on the other hand Doby COULD NOT talk about him. But, when he did start opening up, I was not the one he could open up to. After the years have gone by , we have deduced that it was just too much pain coming together and that we were also feeling very protective of the other one. We both felt inhibited by the other one. So we just did not share our intimate feelings to each other for the first year or so. Its been eight years now and we have begun to talk more openly and freely about Wes to each other, but it took a long while and it also took an understanding on both our parts that men and women DO grieve differently, and one does not mean that the other is wrong or right! That took a while to realize that. I thought and unfortunately actually accused my husband of not caring enough because he did not cry as much as I did! Boy, was I wrong! I have since begged his forgiveness, but that was a cruel and very painful thing for me to think, much less speak.

I really believe now, that the best thing a newly grieving couple can do for themselves is to each find a "sounding board" for themselves and to each give the other one the gift of realizing that this journey is a very individual one and not to judge the other one because their process does not look like yours.

Blessings to all that are going thru this particular time of the grieving process. I pray that God will take your hand and lead you thru this "Valley of the shadow of Death" and that you will look to Him to guide your steps. Sincerely,

Jo Ann M. Franklin
Always Wes' Mom
12-02-81 ~ 09-13-91

It is great to see Dads in MMIAS all to often people tend to forget that Dads too grieve, and at times have to appear strong for their wife/partner. Yet at the same time breaking up inside. I could not discuss anything with my husband in the dark days of 1964. I thought he was not suffering, didn't care etc., Now 36 years down the line, we can both talk about Heather, about our feelings on that day and the days leading up to it. We are stronger now and have a bond that can never be severed. I tell people if you see a mother grieving for the loss of her child somewhere there may be a dad or grandparent or sibling going through the same trauma. Remember the adage "There but for the grace of God go I!

Christine Stansfield

When we lost our daughter in 1980, I never really got over grieving her even to this day. My husband has a hard time understanding why I still hurt. I think one of the reasons is that I felt her inside me, kicking, growing inside of me. My husband did not. He did see her when she was born, very quickly. I never saw her until the next day. They brought her to me (she was dead at the time). I wish they would have given her to me when she was born, but the doctors didn't. I feel like I had been torn apart. Part of me died back then. I will never be the same person I was back then. I believe we have to go on and make our children proud of us.

Diane
Mommy to Amy E. 11-1-1980 to 11-2-1980(Angel Bound)
Mommy to Julianne E. 11.23.1988

My husband has always got on my nerves, well almost always. He drank too much for too many years. He was a workaholic and worshipped his work alone. He would not take time to spend with his family, he rarely went any where with us. He has always been very generous, but this is offset with a constant complaining personality and a tendency to have a superior attitude, put his family down and make us feel inferior. He watches the TV and does the same thing.....constantly runs down whatever/whoever is on. For a while after the death of our child, he appeared to have learned some valuable lessons on the difference between an important event and non-important events. Our child has been gone less than a year and now he is reverting back to his usual personality. I promised him and myself that I would not allow anything or anyone to make me more miserable than I normally am now. I understand the differences in grieving and his behavior probably has something to do with that. but, I no longer have the patience to deal with his self-centered, irritating personality. There appears to be little chance that he will actually change since this earth shattering event has apparently not changed him. This is my opinion on why many marriages break up after the death of a child. The marriage had a lot of problems in the first place (and what marriage doesn't?) and the added stress of the loss makes the situation untenable. We're all used to a certain amount of unhappiness in our lives. When the scale is tipped so drastically in the negative direction, due to a catastrophic event, people feel forced to unload whatever they can that is contributing to their unhappiness. my only goal at this point is to find whatever peace I can. this is one person's opinion.........what's yours?

Anonymous

You see my husband and I lost "our" precious son at the age of 23 on December 8, 1991, as the result of an automobile accident. Albert Lee and I had been married since Chuck was 6-years-old. Albert Lee was for all practical purposes the only dad Chuck had ever really known. His biological father had evaporated out of his life and that of his brother and sister when we were divorced. In time we had mine and ours. We were a family though, in EVERY sense of the word.

When our son was killed, the bottom of my life fell out. I was so severely enveloped in my OWN grief that I just couldn't conceive of ANYONE else hurting like I was. My husband of over 26 years now is a quiet man who rarely shares his innermost feelings with anyone; not a "fault" but just the way he is and always has been.

Since he is by nature just a quiet man who internalizes everything he feels, he never spoke to me of his feelings about the earthly loss of our child. I, on the other hand, have always been one of those people who NEEDS to express my feelings, whatever they may be at the time. That's how I get through life's problems.

I talked constantly about Chuck...his life and his death! In the midst of all my talking was his non-stop silence. I should have known...but I didn't...that he would process his way through Chuck's death in the exact same way he did everything else in his life...within himself!

It's understandable, though, I guess, that when you go through something as tragic and devastating as the loss of one of your children that rationality is not one of your strongest points. Out of his silence came the thought in MY mind that he wasn't missing our child as much as I was. After all...how COULD he? He wasn't Chuck's "real" dad. He didn't even know him until he was 5 years old.

His silence and my need to HEAR him express his feelings almost lead us to a divorce. I read somewhere that between 80 to 90% of couples divorce within 5 years after the death of a child. I understood why. I was seriously considering going that route myself, when someone said to me, "Be careful......haven't you lost enough already?" Did that ever make me stop and think!

I decided that he had his way of dealing with our child's death and I had mine. We were on two different planets. I knew that I had to find other resources which had to be available to me somewhere as an outlet for my grief. I couldn't lay it all on him and then be angry when he didn't respond according to MY guidelines. I sought that help and found it through the Compassionate Friends.

Several years later his mother, who also had lost an adult son, told me that her son...my husband...had told her that as much as his heart went out to me that just once he wished someone would have asked him how HE was doing instead of always asking him how his WIFE was doing. He said, "No one seems to understand that Chuck was MY child, too..." He told her that he could never survive that kind of pain again.

Oh, what a heel this wife/mother felt like. I had been so engulfed in my own pain and self-pity that I had totally failed to see that he was hurting just as much as I was but just processing it so differently than I was. I pray he has truly forgiven me for that injustice. Yes, I have asked for his forgiveness.

I once read in a book on the grief of losing one's own child (can't remember which book, unfortunately) that a parent is so bent under the weight of the grief that they are carrying from the loss of their own child that they can't possibly hold up the other parent. That is so true and if only every newly-bereaved parent could/did only understand that, we wouldn't be so quick to "judge" our spouse...the OTHER parent to our child.

Time marches on. We will never again be the same people we were before we were "bereaved" parents. Sad, but true. No one in the world, however, understands our loss and our pain like the "other" parent to our child even if they process it and deal with it differently than we do. We need to be aware of that and remember it in all the tough times present and in the future.....we've lost enough...already.

Sincerely,
Mary Catherine Jones

My husband and I have separated after 25 yrs of marriage. Our eldest daughter was killed in a car accident on February 24, 1997. Because of the differences of our grieving, my husband turned to another woman who gave him the comfort that I was unable to give him. She was outside the immediate family and available to him . He had some suicidal ideations and he would call her at night while I was at work. At first I believed them, that it was all to keep him from going insane with grief but it developed into something more. She is married too with 4 children. I figured I can handle the divorce. After all I survived the worst thing to happen to a parent. Nothing can compare to that grief.

Anonymous

I totally agree, we as parents grieve differently, even in missing our child we each , we miss different things. I for one I miss my son's presence, the NOT knowing how he looks now, has he already lost his teeth, had he already learned to write? Would he be calling me mom instead of my name? Would he like school?? How is going to look as a man?? Would be as handsome as we all thought he would be?? I miss not cooking for him, not buying him toys and clothes, he was my only male child. I would have love to have seen him as a man. And these are just some of the things I miss. I miss not saying I HAVE A SON, while instead I have to say I HAD, which is something I hate. My husband is very introverted so with him is hard to say. I know that he adored his son. I have no doubt about it. But, no one in this world loved him as much as I did. I now that for sure!!!! I can talk about him freely at times with a big smile at the mention of his name at others with sobs of tears!!!!!!!! But, I talk about him I love to say his name, and I want to keep it forever alive!!! and I will for as long as I am alive. Even though people look at me funny when I mention it. I do not care. I really don't know if any of you ladies out there have figured out, that when it comes to our children we as mothers are very privileged we each have the 9 months before birth to bond with them, Been that time is of essence I have really taken that time very seriously. It adds up to more time with our child, which is something I want to treasure forever. I can close my eyes and re-live the day he was born, that beautiful wonderful day on January 21, 1993 when I first saw him, and kissed him and hugged him. I can smell him, whenever I set my mind to it. Than God for that power of concentration. While I have lost a lot of my concentration and memory that is the one thing I DID NOT want to loose. Please excuse the LONG writing but... I thought I would let some of it out.

Thanks to all for your patience
Barbara - Emmanuel's Mommy FOREVER

When our daughter (1968) and son (1970) died, my husband and I did, indeed, grieve differently. So much so, that it created a wall between us that caused us to drift so far apart that the future of our marriage was in jeopardy.

I felt a great need to talk about our children, about my feelings of loss and emptiness and in the process I shed many, many tears. My husband, on the other hand, withdrew. He didn't want to talk about them at all. I felt that, as far as he was concerned, our children had never existed. When I did try to talk to him, he would get angry and say, "Why do you keep saying the same things over and over again. What do you want me to do about it...I can't bring them back." When I cried, he couldn't hold me or comfort me in any way. Over time we grew farther and farther apart. We still loved each other but communication between us was almost non-existent. We were more like two strangers who happened to be living in the same house, than husband and wife.

After a while, I stopped turning to my husband for comfort. I would go into the bathroom, turn the water on, and cry into a towel. Or I would wait until I was alone and then just cry until there were no tears left to shed, then I would pick myself up and go on about the everyday things in life until the next time.

Life went on like this for over 20 years. Then in 1998, when I was ill from the treatment I was on for hepatitis C, my husband took me to the mountains in the hope that the fresh mountain air would help me to feel a little better. The trip did do me a world of good but, it was my husband who benefited the most from this trip.

There was something very special about Valhalla...that's the name of the place where we rented our cottage. We both felt it the minute we arrived. I can't explain what it was that made this mountain retreat so special but it had an enormous effect on both of us. I felt stronger and more energetic than I had in months but the effect it had on my husband was almost miraculous. Over the next few days, we took long walks together and he began to talk first about us and then about our children. Then he began to grieve for our babies. Something that he had never allowed himself to do. He cried and cried...for two solid days he cried. We held each other and cried together. I had never felt so close to him in my life. Two years of counseling couldn't do what one week on top of Lookout Mountain did!

I don't know why that mountain top allowed him to finally grieve, but it was a turning point in our marriage. We are closer now than we have ever been. My husband is a completely different man. He allows himself to FEEL! Before this trip, he was always angry and very short tempered. Now he is a gentle, caring man who feels comfortable crying for his children, as well as sad movies, touching stories, and songs that bring back old memories. We talk about everything. We are not just husband and wife...we are friends, best friends!

Jackie Comeaux
Mom to Michelle & Jerry

Our marriage ended in separation, still not divorced but we cannot live together because of many reasons. One main one being the death of our infant daughter after heart surgery. My husband walked out when I needed him the most and I and my other children were left to deal with the loss alone. He blamed me for the outcome and I took the whole blame for years. The only thing that kept me going was my other children and my job, to support us. Because he never did that, he stopped working the day we married (my second husband). Three children were from first marriage and the one we lost and a daughter were from him. I supported my kids and myself because I worked in a factory and still do. I must admit I feel better without him with us.

Ann

My son passed away 3 1/2 years ago. His father and I are divorced and remarried so there were 4 parents that lost this child. His fathers family and our family got to be very good friends because we had spent so much time together at the hospital while my son was in the Medsurge unit for 6 days before he passed. We both realized at that time we all wanted the same thing and that was for him to be well. We realized we all wanted the other children to get through it with as much of our help as we could give. So between the two sets of parents we were able to help the other children through it (we both have children with our new family). So there are times when Robby's dad isn't doing so well and his wife will call me and we will talk about what he may be going through. There are times when I may not be doing well at all and my husband has them to call and ask how can I help her right now. When certain dates or special events that would affect us come around we have twice the support to get through them. My husband wasn't my sons biological father but still just as his step mother feels he was a big part of each others lives. We were all affected by Robby's death but get through the tough times with each other's help. We share occasions with their children and they share ours with us.

Thank you for letting me share.
Michelle Lester

I'd like to comment on this issue of how parents grieve. My marriage ended in divorce over the difference in how we grieved. My husband refused to "talk" about my son......and I could not QUIT talking about him. The end result was silence, which down the road later caused the marriage to dissolve. Looking back, knowing what I do now......communication MUST be there. It's hard. Sometimes it's hard to tell your mate WHAT you feel, or HOW you feel. Sometimes it's hard for the mate to "understand" what you are saying, when their feelings do not match. What I tell all parents today is this: Keep talking. As hard as it can be, let it out, express your pain, your heart. Because holding it inside, bottling it up, only creates more problems down the road. My neighbors 3 years ago, lost their 8 month old baby girl, when the mom was sleeping in bed one morning, and the 2 year old put a plastic bag over the baby's head and suffocated her. The father blamed the mother, the mother blamed the father for not "being there". He was at work. I worked with these parents for weeks, as they both talked to me separately, then I talked to them together. I heard their guilt, I heard their blame. But I told both of them, if they did not come together, and be able to openly express how they felt to EACH OTHER.......their marriage was not going to make it. They divorced last month. Sometimes, the pain is so intense, so deep, it's about impossible to talk at first. I was like that. But some days, it's all I wanted to do. But my husband "banned" the subject of my son. He wanted his photos taken down, which I could never have done. He wanted his room removed of all his belongings, which I couldn't do. Neither one of us could "SEE" what the other felt or needed to be able to help each other hru the "bad times" in the beginning when my son died. And after a while, I felt like I just didn't care. Pain can do that to us. It can hit us so hard, we lose all perspective on anything. But today, I know, that communication is the only way parents can survive staying together when this tragedy tears their lives apart. I feel even if we do not "feel" the same way as our mates do, even if we have to deal with the grief differently that our mates, to openly express our pain and tell each other HOW we DO feel........at least our mates will remember the things we said. If we keep it bottled up inside, the other cannot possibly know what the other one is thinking. Once the silence comes into our lives, once it gets so bad........it's impossible to break that silence. So, for all parents who have to endure this tragedy in your life, as hard as it can be at times, find a tiny part of your heart to "open UP" to your mate. Share what you feel. If the bond of love is strong, it will continue to stay strong. Losing our kids is the hardest thing we will ever have to deal with on this earth, but to go it alone is heart wrenching also.

Sharon

I went through this with my ex-boyfriend..I asked him if we still had the baby if we would be together and he said yes we would. It shouldn't make a difference. I thought the miscarriage would actually bring us closer. We didn't cry together until after we broke up, but everytime I mentioned the baby, he would be sympathetic and tell me that it's in the past and I have to go on. He accepted it more than I did and earlier. We now do not talk and as far as he's concerned he never knew me and we never had a baby. He was really angry when he said this, so I don't know if he meant it. I am now working on a speech about miscarriages, is there any advice you would give my audience of ages 18-24. I don't know if any of the women in my class have had miscarriages or if the guys in my class had girlfriends going through it, but I would like to personalize this speech. You can put my name on the newsletter. I wouldn't mind talking to people who are confused and don't understand why there are different grieving stages for men. I didn't think it affected my ex, but I later found out it did, a lot.

Sherrie Scott

The first year of "our" grieving was VERY different. I talked about Steve every minute, I searched for ANY kind of grief group, bereaved parents, compassionate friends, survivors of suicide, anything! I went to the cemetery Every Day for 2 years! I tried after death communications, I read books on after death. My husband did not go to any groups, visit the cemetery (that I know about) or talk much about it. I wanted Steve's room left the same and the door "open", he wanted things changed and the door "closed". It was very different. But we did let each other do what the other one needed to do to get though their way of grieving! It has been 6 years now, I still attend support groups and only go to the cemetery once a week. I think we all have to grieve in our own way. Even if the other doesn't agree, it might be what they need. There are things I did, that if I was "normal" would of probably never thought of doing, but no one is normal after the loss of their child. Sooooo, hang in there and get though all the valleys and hills, the best way you can, until "time" and other bereaved parents can help.
Candy
candymcmahan@hotmail.com
In memory of Steve McMahan 7/30/70 - 10/13/93

I'm going threw the same thing with my husband, I have thought of a divorce and so has he, but we realize it's the grief that we are going threw. Now I tell my husband what I'm going thru sometimes he will tell me he has already been there. My husband has a hard time talking about the death all the time. He wants me move on with my life and stop dwelling on it. I told him I have to remember every thing every detail of his life. There are times he tells me that it's hard for him. Right now it's hard on both of us. It will be a year since we lost our son on the 26th of this month. We still need the support of each other. We stand together but in are own way.

Regina

I would like to share how it has been for Bruce and I and feel free to use all or just parts of any I write below - in order to help others (with the exception of the paragraph below).

Krissy's death due to a medical error, compounded with a relapse of leukemia, was very sudden and swift. Shock set in right away and it was very surreal when she died because everyone in the hospital knew what happened and there really wasn't any privacy. We were also on a ward where other parents were just BEGINNING their walk with their children and cancer, so we wanted to be positive for them, provide hope and yet be there for our dear Kristine to the end (which, thanks be to God, we were). I have tried to share how we both felt over the past years, as below:

Year 1

BRUCE - High Anxiety (Why did this happen?) JO - High Anxiety (Searching her faith)
BRUCE - Frequent crying spells   JO - Isolated, withdrawn, difficult to cry
BRUCE - Stopped eating           JO - Ate a lot at night
BRUCE - Used sleeping pills to sleep for months JO - Used sleeping pills only for 2 1/2 weeks
BRUCE - Lethargy, little motivation     JO - Went to bed very late at night
BRUCE & JO - Little physical intimacy Little physical intimacy
BRUCE & JO - Poor concentration, poor memory
BRUCE - Went from management to sales   JO - Went back to work after 4 months
BRUCE - Little communication            JO - Wrote in a journal and wrote music
BRUCE - One small dream of Krissy       JO - Several dreams of Krissy plus heard her voice
BRUCE - Drove around in sports car by himself
BRUCE - Didn't want grief counseling   JO - Wanted grief counseling
BRUCE & JO - Deep pain in chest Deep pain in chest
BRUCE & JO - Difficulty in breathing
BRUCE & JO - Anniversaries extremely difficult

Year 2

BRUCE - Less crying spells              JO - More crying spells
BRUCE - Reaching out to others in grief group      JO -    Reaching out less to others in grief group
BRUCE - Enjoyed company of boating friends   JO - Preferred to be on our own in boat
BRUCE - Resolved some differences with friends   JO - Very hurt by misunderstandings with friends
BRUCE & JO - Became more sensitive to living daughter
BRUCE & JO - Working full-time
BRUCE - Found more comfort in friends than at    JO - Found more comfort in being alone home
BRUCE & JO - Continued to go to grief group
BRUCE - Was more understanding to wife      JO - Took a step back from church involvement
BRUCE - Tried to help mother with loss of   JO - Was more understanding to family needs

Year 3

BRUCE & JO - We were able to put up tree together
BRUCE & JO - We are still married!
BRUCE - Grief washes over in longer waves   JO - Grief washes over in unexpected waves
BRUCE & JO - We still see Krissy in little girls
BRUCE & JO - Forming new friendships
BRUCE - Willing to take risks with feelings   JO - Willing to share with church friends deep feelings
BRUCE & JO - Able to laugh once in a while, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY
BRUCE - Finds solace with best buddies     JO - Finds solace with the bible and daughter
BRUCE - enjoys a beer or two
BRUCE & JO - Triggers release a flow of tears Pain is still deep – but easier to cry
BRUCE & JO - We no longer ask why but what can we do to prevent another accident?
OUR WISH - There is hope . . .

I sometimes don't really know HOW we made it - we just went day by day with no expectations. We were married for about 11 years before Krissy was first diagnosed so our marriage, even with minor ups and downs, was fairly stable. Fortunately, we never blamed each other for what happened - as it was BEYOND our control.

I sincerely believe that this will be our greatest challenge and I know that life has meaning and we are still alive for a purpose. That is what I am searching for now, with God's help.

Take care and God Bless,
(HUGS) Jo Walker

The Mom-vs-Dad aspect is a very valid point. Each tragic circumstance we experience as a couple has the power to ruin a relationship or to make it so strong that nothing will ever pull you apart. I guess in hindsight, it was 'fortunate' that Vince and I had been through so much heartache together prior to losing Simon. Losing two babies before Simon was born was heartbreaking to both of us and brought us so closely together (thank God), it could so easily have torn us apart.

I think the problems occurred for us because we were being so protective of one another and of Amy. If I was having a bad day, I wouldn't necessarily tell Vince about it because if he was having a 'good' day I didn't want to spoil it and if he was having a 'bad' day I didn't want to make it worse. It was only in learning to talk to one another that these things came to light. We were all being so protective of one another that in the end we just were NOT talking about our feelings at all. Thankfully we learned to overcome this and learned that although we were trying to protect each others feelings, it was in fact causing even more problems. So I would have to say that no matter how painful it seems in the short term, you MUST talk to one another about the way you are feeling, otherwise in the long term you are causing even more problems.

Parents must also bear this in mind for their surviving children too. Amy was being so protective of Vince and myself that she was getting torn up inside. Luckily Vince and I were not so wrapped up in ourselves that we did not see what was happening to Amy. (I've spoken to quite a few parents who have said they were so wrapped up in their own suffering they didn't realised what was happening with their surviving children. Just because the children 'appear' to be able to go on as usual, it doesn't mean to say they are doing. We were quite used to Amy spending time alone in her bedroom, but what we hadn't realised was that she was now going to her bedroom to cry because she felt that it would upset Vince and I to see her get upset.) Our doctor offered Amy the chance to see someone who she could talk to by herself and Amy accepted the offer. For a while Amy would use the therapist to communicate to us the things that Amy did not think that she could say to us herself (the big one being that she was angry at Simon for dying), but once Amy saw that Vince and I could handle the things that she asked the therapist to tell us, she began to learn to talk to us herself and the need for the therapist declined.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I think that a lot of the mom vs dad problems are caused by caring too much for your partner and not necessarily from caring too little. Hope that all makes sense!

Luvnhugs
Bea

Moms vs. Dads Page Two

This has been written by the members of My Parents Are Survivirs to help us to get through the worst time of our lives. Every word of this information and feelings is copy written by the writer. That means that you can NOT use this material in any way, shape or form. Please do not ask, because permission will NOT be given. This has been written from our hearts and will not be duplicated.

Changes last made on: Fri Jul 10, 2009