SIDS, Infant Death, Born Still, Premature, Miscarriage The Sound of a Heartbreak You've heard that awful sound before... Oh how sad to say, but tis true! And it must be a horrific echo that travels all through you~! Momma's can hear so many things... that others can't seem to hear~! Like the sounds of a sweet whisper... coming from a baby's ear~! Or the sounds as a child is playing...~! Yes, we hear their every cry~! And, oh, what a sound they make... when they ask, "Why Momma, Why?" But, the worst sound of all, I'm sure... Is what you heard that terrible day, "..I'm sorry, we did everything we could... but, your baby has passed away~!" Yes, a momma hears many sounds! Joyous sounds a child can make...~! But, thank GOD, not all mommas hear... the sound of a heartbreak~! Written by Kaye Des'Ormeaux Copyright @1998 Dedicated to: Darlene, a mom that lost her baby, PJ, to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) Oh, you're still young, you can have another baby. How do you know I can have another baby? You're not a doctor. It may even take longer for me to get pregnant again then it used to as stress factors may prevent me from doing so. Yes, but no matter how many babies I have it won't take the place of my child! Maybe I can, maybe I can't. Who are you to say I can? No other baby can take my child's place in my heart. That is true, But I want this baby. I don't want another one I want my son/daughter back! I dont know how many people fed me this line. I was 24 and diagnosed with ovarian cancer I had a full hysterectomy on my 24th birthday. I also had a doctor who believed in me and who helped me carry a child into this world. When everyone around me thought I was nuts going through this. I was told to have a abortion and move on with my life. Same advice different scenario. Get out more. It will do you some good in getting over this. I can barely get out of bed. If I did get out, all I would see are those children that would remind me of what my child could be doing if she/he were still alive and I would be right back where I am now. I will never get over losing my child. Nothing is gonna help me get over this except time, and then that might not even help. Everytime I go out I look in the backseat of my car where his/her car seat should be and it makes me want to scream. So, just how is that helping me? Unfortunately you never get over carrying a child 33 weeks just to loose it. Somehow I doubt it, besides why go out there are babies everywhere and all I will end up doing is cry. When I have to go out, I am either ambushed by pregnant moms, newborns, or whispers by people who know me, so it's best for my mental health that I stay home sometimes. Everytime you go out you are reminded of the empty room at home and the empty arms, everyone has a child (or so it seems) and a happy family. My husband and I were miserable, we could not even talk to each other about what was happening. Never mind going out and trying to be around people. The first time I went somewhere after my son died I almost lost it, I heard the strange voices in my head and wanted to yell out loud at them to shut up. I thought I was insane, God knows what I would have done out in the real world, the world I was living in was crazy enough. Just think of him as a mistake and that he never happened. That would be easier, but he was here, I touched him, I held him, I smelled him. I can't erase what time I had with him, but hold on to that memory as it helps me when anger and depression set in. I would walk away! NO! My child was not a mistake. He/she was wanted very much & loved very much or else God wouldn't of given him/her to us in the first place. I'm sorry if you view your children as mistakes, but I don't think any child is a mistake. None of my children were mistakes. All were a precious gift from God. That was my Child. NOT a mistake, and yes he/she did happen. A mistake is something that if you could go back and do over you would do differently or not at all. I would never want for my children to have never existed. Mistakes are something you make and try never to repeat them again. A child is an extension of you and your significant other. Whether they are planned or not a child is never a mistake. They are life from the start of conception when a small sperm knows to travel the way it does and get to the egg to make a child. A child is a miracle from conception on. Even now 19 years later after many health problems, surgeries, specialist, hearing aids, radiation and even the rebellious teens. When he looks at me or takes minute to call and say mom I was worried about you today and I love you that is when you sit back and thank the God above for a joy that I was lucky enough to have. He's/She's better off dead, you can't take care of him/her and have more kids. I have an abundance of love to give any child so it isn't a matter of taking care of my other children, it's a matter of not having him to share in the joy I have with them. How do you think my baby is better off dead instead of being with his/her family? Somehow we would of found a way to take care of him/her & have another child. I would have to walk away from this. I don't think I could respond in a decent way. And Why Not? I already have a special needs child and we do just fine. What makes you think I could not take care of him? There must have been something wrong with him/her for them to die. I would have loved them imperfections and all. He/She is perfect to me and always will be. Yes, there was, but that didn't stop us from loving him/her & wanting him/her. Yes, there was something "wrong" with my child. He/She was too beautiful to stay on this earth. There was nothing wrong with my son. He was perfect. His death was caused purely by an accident. Our faults and imperfections are what make us unique to God. There was something wrong, my child was born too soon because my cervix could not handle the growing child. My child was normal I was the one with the medical condition. Aren't You Glad you didn't get to see him/her? No! I wish I could have just held him/her in my arms for just a minute. No I would have appreciated a mental picture to remember with him. But I do see them in my dreams. I saw my first child in the toilet bowl surrounded by blood and tissue. My second child lived 6 weeks. They made a mistake letting you hold him/her. It makes it harder for you to get over it. I wish I held him longer than I had, it did me alot of good to hold him. How do you know if anything makes it harder for me to get over this? Any mother deserves to hold her child and I feel lucky to have held mine while he/she was still alive. If anything this has helped me heal. At least you didn't have enough time to get too attached. When your child is suffering and then dies, time seems like it's going in slow-motion...it's as if years are going by and I feel just as attached to him/her as I do my living children. No amount of time can erase my love I had for my angel-baby no matter how long he/she lived on earth with us! Time is a crutch we grab on to to help make it bearable for us to go on! I was attached as soon as they told me I was going have him/her! 4 1/2 months is worth a lifetime of memories that I would never give up, so yes we did get attached. How long does it take you to get attached to your children? I was attached from the first time I heard my child's heartbeat and the first time I saw my child smile. So, I was "too attached". I was attached to him from the moment that stick turned pink thank you. I was attached from the moment I knew I was pregnant. Are you more attached to your children now then you were at their birth? Seven days or seven months. Loss is loss. The child in me was part of a dream and very much a reality. Only a mother can understand the person growing within their body. The love is in you, a part of you and part of your future and a link to your past and in every sense a real and feeling person. Spoken by a stranger who had 3 children, who were acting like normal children. "Count your Lucky stars you don't have more than one". No, we aren't lucky cause my baby brother/sister just died and we wish he was here with us. No we aren't lucky cause he/she just died! I would give anything to have all 3 of my children together, so it isn't lucky to not have one of them here with us. How could you say such a thing? I do have more than one. I carry one of them in my arms and the other in my heart! What makes you think I will never have another child? Just because this one is not here doesn't mean all is lost. I would gladly take what you are going through to have all my children with me, and that would be 4. But I do have more than one, and they live among the stars. Sad God thought you better than me to have 3 healthy children. All I wanted was one healthy child. You should be the one counting your lucky stars. Murdered Children Please Ask Some asked me about you today. It's been so long since anyone has done that. It felt so good to talk about you, To share my memories of you, To simply say your name out loud. She asked me if I minded talking about What happened to you... Or would it be too painful to speak of it. I told her I think of it every day And speaking about it helps me to release The tormented thoughts whirling around in my head. She said she never realized the pain Would last this long... She apologized for not asking sooner. I told her, "Thanks for asking." I don't know if it was curiosity Or concern that made her ask, But I told her, "Please do it again sometime... Soon." Written by Barbara Taylor Hudson Try to feel love in your heart for your child's killers. Living for the dead is wrong. It's up to God to love them because I can't. I am using the experience of the pain and grief from my daughter/son's murder to help others who will follow on this hellish journey. If that is living for the dead, then I would have it no other way. My daughter/son's death is not in vain. Each time I can help someone, she/he lives on. Until you have walked in my shoes, please don't tell me what is right or wrong. I try and I do feel empathy for him, but that as far as I have managed to get at this point. Right now I have a hard time with forgiving the killer, please don't ask me to find love for him. As for living for the dead, I can think on no better way to honor my son's memory than living for him. To bring closure to all of this, you must forgive. It's not my place to forgive. That's the responsibility of a power greater than I. I know that my child/grandchild has forgiven them and that is all that matters". "I can't and never will be able to"! When they face their final judge, it will be with my child/grandchild's little hand clasped softly in an angel's hand and it will be my child/grandchild's smiling face that they will see! I am not ready to forgive, maybe someday but not now. But forgiveness will never bring me closure, my child is gone and I will never get over that. It is soooo hard to forgive someone whose actions upon another could have been prevented. You can forgive the person in time, but you should never have to forgive the crime they committed, nor be asked to do so. Time (no matter how much) will eventually soothe the anger and closure may occur, but to go on, we have to accept the crime and hope we can help others so this will never happen to them. It must be drug related. Yes, it was drug related, the killers used drugs. Is that what you mean? In deed in may have been on the killer's part. In some ways it was, but not on my son's part. But if it had of been, is that a reason to die? I don't think so. Not all murders are drug-related. I would hate to do something so bad to someone that they would want to kill me for it. Please don't judge. Leave that to our higher power. There were times I wanted to kill the doctor who neglected my baby and me, but then I realized that I didn't want to spend time behind bars for something he did in the first place. Bad people aren't the only ones murdered, more innocent and good people are murdered than bad. I heard he/she didn't like to work. Hell I don't like to work either! Does that mean that someone should murder me too? And the point is .....Everyone gets tired or even lazy at some point. Human we are. Liking to work and NOT working are two different things. What does liking or not liking to work have to do with being murdered? Well, just think, no one can hurt him/her now. Does this mean they think "I" hurt her or what? No they can't, but he/she suffered so much during his/her death that I will never be able to forget that or stop the nightmares. No one should have to bear the pain and terror my child endured during his/her murder. I guess you are right, someone already hurt them in the ultimate way, they took their life from them. No one can hurt her now, nor protect her, hold her, watch her grow, go to school, make mistakes, learn from them, get married, have children and adore her on this earth. My child wasn't placed upon this earth to be hurt by anyone, so please don't think I will find solace in these words this is no comfort to me. Locking the killer away will not bring your child back. I am well aware of this, but this person took a life and they have to be punished. What if his next victim were someone you love? No it won't, but it could save the life of someone else. Would you feel comfortable with a murderer walking the streets again? He/she shouldn't have been there. Why not? He wasn't doing anything wrong and it wasn't a bad place to be. Did he/she hang out with bad people? Why does that matter? You shouldn't get a death sentence just because of the people you hang out with. It was just a matter of time considering he was using drugs. Did he try to fight back? Do you think he went willingly to his death?   Copyright/Disclaimer This has been written by the members of My Parents Are Survivors to help us to get through the worst time of our lives. Every word of this information and feelings is copy written by the writer. That means that you can NOT use this material in any way, shape or form. Please do not ask, because permission will NOT be given. This has been written from our hearts and will not be duplicated.